This Is Me, As I Am

It all began July 23, 2019. That was when my world fell apart. For the last 25 years of so, it was just my mom and me. Oh yes, we have family that was accessible, but daily it was just the two of us taking care of and watching out for one another. My identity was wrapped up in being a good provider, a good daughter, and when she needed it a good caretaker when her health was not the greatest. There was no Lori, and there was nothing else that Lori allowed herself to be. Oh, she had dreams, but those dreams were put on the back burner because I had a role that was more important.

July 23, 2019, started as any other day. I was on medical leave from work because I had shoulder surgery. Mom hadn’t been feeling well for a few weeks, and after many doctors’ visits, no one could figure anything out. On this day her pain became worse, and she asked that I take her to the hospital (if you knew my mom, you’d know she never asked to go to the hospital.) At that point I knew she was not feeling well. On day 16 we learned that she had Leukemia; 3 days later she passed.

I remember standing in the hospital hallway with two of my siblings and saying, “I am an orphan!” What a statement to be made by a 50-year-old woman, but in that moment that is what came out of the depths of my soul. “Orphan – a child deprived by death of one or usually both parents; one deprived of some protection of advantage.” www. merriam-webster.com.

What do I do now? Where do I go, and who am I now? I no longer have a responsibility as caretaker, and I no longer have the title of provider or daughter.

Fast forward three years later. I found a good therapist who helped me walk some things out, and gave me a lot to think about, but I started speaking to Holy Spirit again. Throughout my walk with Christ my hearts cry was that I wanted to no longer work for the world, but I want to work within the church (catch the revelation.) I asked this of Him because I felt that was the only way to give back to Him all that He has given to me. I didn’t do this when my mom was alive because I (putting my trust in myself) had to take care of her, and I couldn’t do that without having a job (how arrogant was I.)

Last year, Holy Spirit said to me to quit my job at the end of the year. I didn’t because I was being vetted for a position that I had been training for and desiring for years. I was so close to that dream job being mine; everything that I have worked for in over 25 years was about to be realized. SO, I ignored Holy Spirit (disobedience) and remained on my job (WOW, I’ve never vocalized those words until now.) The position was denied by the boss. Someone was fighting for that position to be approved so that I may be placed in it.