This Is Me, As I Am

Today, as I am sitting here writing this sixth post since it all began, I am hearing my voice asking GOD why am I doing this? Why am I posting, why am I sharing, why am I wasting my time with something that people aren’t interested in? You see I am on this “Spiritual Journey,” this “Faith Walk” as I continue to call it, but there are days like today where doubt is entering my mind.

Transparent Moment: As I sit in someone else’s home, sleeping in someone else’s bed, knowing that there is a deadline that I am coming upon, I do so with tears filling my eyes and running down my cheeks. I smile when I am supposed to because I can’t allow others to see that this strong woman of faith is afraid. Before I began typing, I cried out to ABBA for help and direction, for leadership and for guidance. He took me to the book of Joshua 1:9 “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” As I read that scripture, I didn’t just read it, but I heard it as well. I heard this powerful, authoritative voice of love remind me of who HE is, and who I am to HIM.

I am in the midst of not knowing where my next is coming from, but with all certainty knowing that there is a next. No home of my own (I gave that up), no job to call my own (I gave that up too), but there is a GOD that I can call my own. He is my Creator, my restorer, my friend, and my Father. HIS spirit lives within me to make the right decisions. As Proverbs 3:5-6 remind me, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not to your own understanding: In all your ways acknowledge HIM, and HE shall direct your path.”

So, as I collect myself and write, this letter not only comes as a love letter but also a letter of repentance. Repentance for allowing my own understanding to overshadow HIS knowledge.

Many of you who read this do so out of slightly obligated or maybe even sorrow because I have limited to no family here. Please don’t! God ordered this move for me; this move from friends, family and a job that I truly loved to a purpose.

My comfortability in NY, my life in NY only brought glory to myself. I did what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it, but living for Christ has changed my motives and the decisions I make. You see, life is no longer just about me, but it is about the people that will hear these truths of my life and no longer feel so condemned. My move here has nothing to do with me, but everything to do with HIM! I am just the vessel that allows this message to flow freely. I am the body that has been through so much, but no longer feels ashamed about what she has been through.

I will come out of this on the other side giving GOD glory, as Ps 23:4 tells me: Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: For you are with me: Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.” You must understand that He is “the good shepherd (John 10:14), and the two things that a shepherd carries to protect his sheep are a rod and a staff. His rod is to fight off the predators that come to attack his sheep, and his staff is what he uses to guide his sheep.

I will come out of this, and I will prevail because I am not alone. My doubters (those in the world and those in the church) will be astounded at what God is doing in my life. It’s funny that GOD would have my write about church folk being surprised, but it’s true. So, until then, I will rest in the commandment GOD has given me in Joshua 1:9, but instead I will hear my name instead. So, until then, I will remind myself that although I walk through a valley where there is nothing but death, there is nothing for me to fear because I am not alone. And, until then I will not listen to my own understanding, but I will take on the knowledge of GOD.

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