This Is Me, As I Am

Hello.

This has been a rough 2 days for me. I have been crying out to the Lord asking certain questions and awaiting answers. I’ve cried, I’ve prayed, and I’ve even shut down. Don’t judge me. You never know what someone is going through unless you purposely and willingly get to know that person. You see a mantle, but you don’t see the heavy things on that mantle that can weigh someone down.

This morning, I woke up for my 6AM prayer call and then went back to sleep after lazily saying some prayers of my own. When I awakened, I had breakfast but then I felt myself grieved again. I began to cry out and decided that I needed to spend real, quality time in worship. No, not the fake stuff but true worship like I did when I first came to know HIM. During my 2 days of uncertainty and struggle, I couldn’t find a scripture to combat what I was feeling. I asked and sometimes begged GOD to show me, but nothing. I believe that I was grieving Holy Spirit.

Worship for me begins with music, but not just any music. Music that reminds me of who I am worshipping to, and not what I am worshipping for! Did you catch that? Who my worship is about and not what my worship is about. I soaked in His presence. Whose presence do you ask? The presence of the Benefactor who has provided the benefits I need. The presence of the Giver who has given my life and given it to me more abundantly. The presence of the Healer who has healed every sickness, disease, iniquity, and every generational curse that I have put before HIM. Most of all I worshipped to HE who was crucified and not just the crucifixion.

You ask what difference does it make? It makes a huge difference. We thank GOD for everything, but do we thank HIM for just being GOD. For being our first love. For really being LORD over our lives. We speak and get excited over covenant as it relates to marriage between a man and a woman. Please understand that I desire that as well, but I had to bring myself back to remembering that when the Apostle Paul spoke about covenant/marriage amongst a husband and wife, he first said this: Ephesians 5:24a “Therefore (Look-a-here), just as the church is subject to Christ.” We the church (not a building, but us the temples that house Holy Spirit) are married to Jesus Christ. So, when I became a Christian (accepted Jesus Christ as my LORD and SAVIOR) my first marriage was to Christ.

Powerful revelation and reminder to me. I have been having some why GOD moments over the last 2 days. I’ve been comparing myself not to specific individuals, but to life as I see it in general. Why GOD did you not allow the three things that I’ve always dreamed about to happen for me.

Why GOD, do I now sit under a church that celebrates and stresses marriages when that was number one on my list. Why GOD is it that every woman you have me meet and connect with has had the privilege of giving birth and raising a family?

SN: Ladies: single, married, divorced, or widowed, if GOD gave you the gift of being a mother, please refrain from telling other women (even in jest) how lucky they are that they don’t have children. You don’t know of her struggles or her desires to kiss and say goodnight to their own. You don’t know the physical toll it has taken on their lives to try to conceive. You don’t know the financial burdens that may have cost them a marriage in trying to conceive. You don’t know the mental angst that still plagues them to this day. Be mindful of your mouth!

As I was in worship, I was led to 1 Corinthians 13. I’ve read this scripture so many times, and each time I allowed myself to believe that it was about loving people, but what if GOD was reminding us about our first love which is HIM. BOOOOOOM! Mind-blowing revelation right. I read this chapter always thinking of myself as the recipient of this type of love, but maybe, just maybe GOD wants us to understand that it is not about us receiving the gifts, but about the giver of the gifts.

I am going to break it down for you as it was given to me. I won’t go verse by verse, but I hope you catch the revelation.

AGAPE: (GREEK) The fatherly love of GOD for humans, as well as the human reciprocal love for GOD. https//www.britannica.com.

1 Corinthians 13:1 – Though Lori speaks with the tongues of men and of angels, but I don’t love GOD who gave me those tongues, I just sound like a who bunch of loud noise.

1 Corinthians 13:4 – Love (AGAPE) suffers long and is kind, love (AGAPE) does not envy, (AGAPE) love does not parade itself, (AGAPE) is not puffed up.

1 Corinthians 13:8 – GOD never fails. But where there are the giftings (prophecy, tongues and even knowledge) that HE gives, they can and will fail if used improperly (without HIM).

1 Corinthians 13:11 – When Lori was a child, she spoke and understood as a child, but when she got saved (child of GOD) she had to be willingly get rid of her childish behavior.

In that chapter GOD answered the questions that I was crying out to HIM about. My purpose vs. HIS purpose, my direction vs HIS direction and my plans vs HIS calling.

Today I choose to focus on who I worship. Not that things that I receive from HIM, but the GIVER of those things (dreams, ideas, businesses.) I choose to seek the Benefactor about the benefits HE has provided, and I choose to make my first love (GOD) my foundation.

You see, when I got saved, I got married to Christ. HE is not a believer of divorce because I got tired, or because it got hard for me. HE is in this for the rest of my life.

So, you determine right now; do you want the WHO that you received when you got saved or do you want what HE gives you not based on your works but based on HIS love. I CHOOSE the WHO over the what. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy and am thankful for the blessings, but I am even more joyful of the one who blesses me.

This may seem like a lot to read, but I share because it because it helped change my stinking thinking. I got complacent, but now I choose to get complimentary to my LORD (a person having power and authority over others) and SAVIOR (one who saves from danger or destruction.) https//www.merriam-webster.com.