This Is Me, As I Am

Hate

/hāt/

Noun, often attributive: 1) intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger, or sense of injury. 2) extreme dislike or disgust: ANTIPATHY, LOATHING.

Verb, transitive verb: 1) to feel extreme enmity toward: to regard with active hostility. 2) to have a strong aversion to: to find distasteful. (“Hate – Linda K Sienkiewicz”)

Intransitive verb: to express or feel extreme enmity or active hostility. (www.merriam-webster.com)

Hello, This Is Me, As I Am followers. Here is another blog the Lord has led me to write for you. Many won’t like it; some may hate me and call it righteous anger (basing it off Matthew 21:13, but you’d be wrong in your usage), and some will unfollow me or disassociate yourselves from me altogether; THAT’S OK! From day one I told you this blog series was not about me, but about HIM. About sharing my journey through transparent and real moments and allowing HIM to get the glory from my life. This is My truth, and I won’t sugarcoat it for anyone.

Now, with that said, I didn’t grow up in the church as many of you have. I mean, I went when I had to, but it wasn’t every Wednesday, two services on Sunday or any other event to which I was dragged. Also, when I did go, one Sunday it was my grandmothers Baptist church, the next it was an Episcopal church (or what I lovingly call Catholic Lite) with one of my older sisters. Talk about confused, different doctrines, different messages. I remember in my grandmother’s church listening to the pastor yell about my going to hell if I didn’t believe or follow these rules. My sister’s church was calmer, but I didn’t like kneeling or drinking from the same cup. Remember, I was born in the late 60’s and did all of this fun stuff in the 70’s.

With that being said, I didn’t begin to hate the GOD that I knew until the summer of 1979. Of everything that I’d heard about HIM, HE was supposed to be gracious and caring, protecting and loving, and in my understanding, HE never let anything bad happen to good people. Well, I thought I was good people. I went to school, got good grades, obeyed my parents, and did my chores. So why did this GOD allow me to be sexually abused at 11? Why did HE take my dad away from me when I was 19 (that was when he died.) Over the years those feelings of anger and active hostility grew.

I searched everywhere for some relief (sexual promiscuity, alcohol, meanness, and manipulation) because I needed this anger/active hostility (hatred) and hurt to go away.

When none of that seemed to help, it found a lovely place inside of my heart to sit and manifest itself, and what I thought was relief was only hurting me, which brought on more anger. Damn anyone who crossed me, and if people got hurt, so what! No one could or would ever convince me that this GOD people talked about was nice in any respect.

Have I lost many of you yet? It’s okay as well. I know that it’s hard to hear someone say they had hatred in their heart for the Creator, but really, how angry can you be at a child, because that is where I was stuck. No matter my physical age, the hurt, damage and betrayal all began at age 11. And for those of you who want to ask that same blame question, “where were her parents,” put that in your back pocket and come talk to me after your children start blogging and seeking therapy. People do the best they can with what have, and what has been passed down to them. My parents were great people, great providers and would have done anything to help me, had they known. So, put that question in your corn pipe and smoke it.

I think I’ll stop here, but I’ll be back to finish my story of how I got from that girl who hated an idea of GOD, to a woman who loves and serves the One, True Living GOD. It was simple, I screamed out to the universe, how do I forgive You, and HE responded back, First, get to know ME.

MERRIAM-WEBSTER.COM

Dictionary by Merriam-Webster: America’s most-trusted online dictionary

The dictionary by Merriam-Webster is America’s most trusted online dictionary for English word definitions, meanings, and pronunciation. #wordsmatter