This Is Me, As I Am

BUT I’VE LET SOME DOUBT CREEP IN!

It has been 5 months since my last post. Back in November of 2022 I shared even more and told you at that time that I was on this journey with GOD. I quit a job in a field that I have been a part of for over 30 years. I was in the process of a promotion for the next level to my career in doing what I have a heart to do, which is to help people.

Even though my situation has not been the best, I still tried to keep myself uplifted. I failed many times and allowed my emotions to get the flesh of me, instead of allowing Holy Spirit to use the best of me. In that time where I was listening to my flesh and the voices of others, i accepted the first job that called me. I knew this job was not for me. It took away from the free time that I prayed for, and the salary was well beneath what I’ve ever made (outside of my first job many, many years ago:)

I said yes because I was desperate to have an income to support myself, desperate to have my own place again, but most of all desperate to shut up the voices in my ears and in my head who said you won’t survive on your own.

I wrote this not to receive pity, but to keep you informed. If I believe that GOD has given me this platform to share myself by being authentic, then I must tell you where I am in my journey.

GOD is still in my life. HE is not the problem; I am. Because people who say they represent him have hurt me, I have gotten angry at HIM. Never denouncing my faith, but asking the words “why have you forsaken me?”

After a conversation with a friend and some prayer where I asked Holy Spirit to reveal things to me, I received my answer. I keep asking GOD to give me everything that HE has promised me, but have I given HIM what HE has asked from me? I prayed earlier this week that we all have a kingdom assignment that in the end i supposed to help the world better. Where is the evidence of my kingdom assignment? Where are the souls that HE has asked me to save through salvation. Where are the prayers that I’ve promised to pray for people to help get them through (“there is no distance in the spirit.”) At what point do I stop worrying about myself, and start worrying about them?

In the words of the Apostle that I sit under “I have a soul problem!” I still pray (though not as frequently as I used to, I still praise, but do I declare HIS promises? Do I declare HIS word? Do I take the focus off of myself and focus on someone else?

During the conversation with that friend, Holy Spirit reminded me of someone I have just come to know and the difficulty she is going through right now. Her home caught on fire and she has lost everything. I do not know if she is a believer or not, but if HE showed her to me and said she is suffering, that means she doesn’t know and understand HIM like I do.

ELOHIM, I come before repenting of my sins, and I ask YOUR forgiveness for my disobedience to YOU, and my failure to do what you have required of me. Help me to seek YOU by seeking YOUR word. Help me “seek first the Kingdom” for that is the only way to find HIS righteousness, holiness and HIS instruction. Always remember we are stronger when HE is with us, than we are without HIM.

SELAH & SHALOM!