This Is Me, As I Am

Today, as I am sitting here writing this sixth post since it all began, I am hearing my voice asking GOD why am I doing this? Why am I posting, why am I sharing, why am I wasting my time with something that people aren’t interested in? You see I am on this “Spiritual Journey,” this “Faith Walk” as I continue to call it, but there are days like today where doubt is entering my mind.

Transparent Moment: As I sit in someone else’s home, sleeping in someone else’s bed, knowing that there is a deadline that I am coming upon, I do so with tears filling my eyes and running down my cheeks. I smile when I am supposed to because I can’t allow others to see that this strong woman of faith is afraid. Before I began typing, I cried out to ABBA for help and direction, for leadership and for guidance. He took me to the book of Joshua 1:9 “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” As I read that scripture, I didn’t just read it, but I heard it as well. I heard this powerful, authoritative voice of love remind me of who HE is, and who I am to HIM.

I am in the midst of not knowing where my next is coming from, but with all certainty knowing that there is a next. No home of my own (I gave that up), no job to call my own (I gave that up too), but there is a GOD that I can call my own. He is my Creator, my restorer, my friend, and my Father. HIS spirit lives within me to make the right decisions. As Proverbs 3:5-6 remind me, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not to your own understanding: In all your ways acknowledge HIM, and HE shall direct your path.”

So, as I collect myself and write, this letter not only comes as a love letter but also a letter of repentance. Repentance for allowing my own understanding to overshadow HIS knowledge.

Many of you who read this do so out of slightly obligated or maybe even sorrow because I have limited to no family here. Please don’t! God ordered this move for me; this move from friends, family and a job that I truly loved to a purpose.

My comfortability in NY, my life in NY only brought glory to myself. I did what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it, but living for Christ has changed my motives and the decisions I make. You see, life is no longer just about me, but it is about the people that will hear these truths of my life and no longer feel so condemned. My move here has nothing to do with me, but everything to do with HIM! I am just the vessel that allows this message to flow freely. I am the body that has been through so much, but no longer feels ashamed about what she has been through.

I will come out of this on the other side giving GOD glory, as Ps 23:4 tells me: Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: For you are with me: Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.” You must understand that He is “the good shepherd (John 10:14), and the two things that a shepherd carries to protect his sheep are a rod and a staff. His rod is to fight off the predators that come to attack his sheep, and his staff is what he uses to guide his sheep.

I will come out of this, and I will prevail because I am not alone. My doubters (those in the world and those in the church) will be astounded at what God is doing in my life. It’s funny that GOD would have my write about church folk being surprised, but it’s true. So, until then, I will rest in the commandment GOD has given me in Joshua 1:9, but instead I will hear my name instead. So, until then, I will remind myself that although I walk through a valley where there is nothing but death, there is nothing for me to fear because I am not alone. And, until then I will not listen to my own understanding, but I will take on the knowledge of GOD.

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It all began July 23, 2019. That was when my world fell apart. For the last 25 years of so, it was just my mom and me. Oh yes, we have family that was accessible, but daily it was just the two of us taking care of and watching out for one another. My identity was wrapped up in being a good provider, a good daughter, and when she needed it a good caretaker when her health was not the greatest. There was no Lori, and there was nothing else that Lori allowed herself to be. Oh, she had dreams, but those dreams were put on the back burner because I had a role that was more important.

July 23, 2019, started as any other day. I was on medical leave from work because I had shoulder surgery. Mom hadn’t been feeling well for a few weeks, and after many doctors’ visits, no one could figure anything out. On this day her pain became worse, and she asked that I take her to the hospital (if you knew my mom, you’d know she never asked to go to the hospital.) At that point I knew she was not feeling well. On day 16 we learned that she had Leukemia; 3 days later she passed.

I remember standing in the hospital hallway with two of my siblings and saying, “I am an orphan!” What a statement to be made by a 50-year-old woman, but in that moment that is what came out of the depths of my soul. “Orphan – a child deprived by death of one or usually both parents; one deprived of some protection of advantage.” www. merriam-webster.com.

What do I do now? Where do I go, and who am I now? I no longer have a responsibility as caretaker, and I no longer have the title of provider or daughter.

Fast forward three years later. I found a good therapist who helped me walk some things out, and gave me a lot to think about, but I started speaking to Holy Spirit again. Throughout my walk with Christ my hearts cry was that I wanted to no longer work for the world, but I want to work within the church (catch the revelation.) I asked this of Him because I felt that was the only way to give back to Him all that He has given to me. I didn’t do this when my mom was alive because I (putting my trust in myself) had to take care of her, and I couldn’t do that without having a job (how arrogant was I.)

Last year, Holy Spirit said to me to quit my job at the end of the year. I didn’t because I was being vetted for a position that I had been training for and desiring for years. I was so close to that dream job being mine; everything that I have worked for in over 25 years was about to be realized. SO, I ignored Holy Spirit (disobedience) and remained on my job (WOW, I’ve never vocalized those words until now.) The position was denied by the boss. Someone was fighting for that position to be approved so that I may be placed in it.

Hate

/hāt/

Noun, often attributive: 1) intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger, or sense of injury. 2) extreme dislike or disgust: ANTIPATHY, LOATHING.

Verb, transitive verb: 1) to feel extreme enmity toward: to regard with active hostility. 2) to have a strong aversion to: to find distasteful. (“Hate – Linda K Sienkiewicz”)

Intransitive verb: to express or feel extreme enmity or active hostility. (www.merriam-webster.com)

Hello, This Is Me, As I Am followers. Here is another blog the Lord has led me to write for you. Many won’t like it; some may hate me and call it righteous anger (basing it off Matthew 21:13, but you’d be wrong in your usage), and some will unfollow me or disassociate yourselves from me altogether; THAT’S OK! From day one I told you this blog series was not about me, but about HIM. About sharing my journey through transparent and real moments and allowing HIM to get the glory from my life. This is My truth, and I won’t sugarcoat it for anyone.

Now, with that said, I didn’t grow up in the church as many of you have. I mean, I went when I had to, but it wasn’t every Wednesday, two services on Sunday or any other event to which I was dragged. Also, when I did go, one Sunday it was my grandmothers Baptist church, the next it was an Episcopal church (or what I lovingly call Catholic Lite) with one of my older sisters. Talk about confused, different doctrines, different messages. I remember in my grandmother’s church listening to the pastor yell about my going to hell if I didn’t believe or follow these rules. My sister’s church was calmer, but I didn’t like kneeling or drinking from the same cup. Remember, I was born in the late 60’s and did all of this fun stuff in the 70’s.

With that being said, I didn’t begin to hate the GOD that I knew until the summer of 1979. Of everything that I’d heard about HIM, HE was supposed to be gracious and caring, protecting and loving, and in my understanding, HE never let anything bad happen to good people. Well, I thought I was good people. I went to school, got good grades, obeyed my parents, and did my chores. So why did this GOD allow me to be sexually abused at 11? Why did HE take my dad away from me when I was 19 (that was when he died.) Over the years those feelings of anger and active hostility grew.

I searched everywhere for some relief (sexual promiscuity, alcohol, meanness, and manipulation) because I needed this anger/active hostility (hatred) and hurt to go away.

When none of that seemed to help, it found a lovely place inside of my heart to sit and manifest itself, and what I thought was relief was only hurting me, which brought on more anger. Damn anyone who crossed me, and if people got hurt, so what! No one could or would ever convince me that this GOD people talked about was nice in any respect.

Have I lost many of you yet? It’s okay as well. I know that it’s hard to hear someone say they had hatred in their heart for the Creator, but really, how angry can you be at a child, because that is where I was stuck. No matter my physical age, the hurt, damage and betrayal all began at age 11. And for those of you who want to ask that same blame question, “where were her parents,” put that in your back pocket and come talk to me after your children start blogging and seeking therapy. People do the best they can with what have, and what has been passed down to them. My parents were great people, great providers and would have done anything to help me, had they known. So, put that question in your corn pipe and smoke it.

I think I’ll stop here, but I’ll be back to finish my story of how I got from that girl who hated an idea of GOD, to a woman who loves and serves the One, True Living GOD. It was simple, I screamed out to the universe, how do I forgive You, and HE responded back, First, get to know ME.

MERRIAM-WEBSTER.COM

Dictionary by Merriam-Webster: America’s most-trusted online dictionary

The dictionary by Merriam-Webster is America’s most trusted online dictionary for English word definitions, meanings, and pronunciation. #wordsmatter